Dr. Kelly's Blog

Desperately Seeking Simple

2010-06-10T17:08:00.000-04:00

“The quality of your life is not determined by what you add to it, but by what you take away from it.”
– CHERYL RICHARDSON

We have so many conveniences available to us these days—family planners, personal trainers, grocery delivery services, nannies, Blackberries, maid services, gardeners, dog walkers, credit cards, microwaves, call waiting, and the list goes on and on. There is no shortage of services and tools to help make our lives faster, easier and more efficient. The reality is, however, that the more stuff we add to our lives, the more complicated and stressful our lives become.

A happy life is a simple life. Take a look at what areas of your life have become overly complex and consider what you can let go and simplify. Maybe you and/or your kids can engage in fewer activities. Maybe you can exercise with your family instead of going to the gym. Maybe you need a smaller house. Maybe a career change is in order. Some things will be easy to let go, others will require a lot of thought and courage. Whatever you choose, finding ways to keep life simple will go a long way in helping you create a calmer, more joyful life.

What I've Learned from My Mother

2010-05-05T16:21:00.000-04:00

What I've Learned from My Mother
by Julia Kasdorf

I learned from my mother how to love
the living, to have plenty of vases on hand
in case you have to rush to the hospital
with peonies cut from the lawn…to save jars
large enough to hold fruit salad for a whole
grieving household…
I learned to attend viewings even if I didn’t know
the deceased, to press the moist hands
of the living, to look in their eyes and offer
sympathy, as though I understood loss even then.
I learned that whatever we say means nothing,
what anyone will remember is that we came.
I learned to believe I had the power to ease
awful pains materially like an angel.
Like a doctor, I learned to create
from another’s suffering my own usefulness, and once
you know how to do this, you can never refuse.
To every house you enter, you must offer
healing: a chocolate cake you baked yourself,
the blessing of your voice, your chaste touch.

Source: Sleeping Preacher, University of Pittsburgh Press, 1992

This poem is such a wonderful reminder about what we have learned from our mothers—thoughtfulness, love, compassion, and nurturance. The women who came before us have taught us much about how to be a loving presence in the world. For me, this poem is also an important reminder to us newer Moms to pay attention to the legacy we are leaving our children—especially our daughters who will be the mothers that follow us. Amidst our busy, hectic lives saturated with TV, movies, magazines, video games, and iPods, are we taking the time to pass on the wisdom our children need to offer their loving presence to the world?

As we celebrate Mother’s Day this month, let’s take some time to ponder the legacy we are passing on to our own children. What do you want your children to learn from you? ♥

Have a Little Faith

2010-04-27T13:24:00.003-04:00

"We can have no certainty about what the future will be.
It is not a good time for control freaks."
—ERIC YOUNG

Remember when you were pregnant and for nine months you just waited patiently for nature to do its thing and grow your baby? Okay, so you ate healthy and got plenty of rest, but other than that you waited … and trusted. You trusted that nature would give your baby two eyes and a nose and ten little fingers, exactly where they’re supposed to be. This is faith—trusting in a force greater than yourself to handle life.

The truth is that many aspects of our lives, and our children’s lives, are handled by that same force. Let go of the thought that you need to micro-manage and control all aspects of your life to make it work. Some things might not work out the way you think they should or in the timeframe you want, but they will turn out exactly the way they are meant to. More importantly, you’ll experience a whole new level of calm and joy in your life. ♥

The Gift of Encouragement

2010-04-19T09:02:00.002-04:00

"One of the most beautiful gifts in the world is the gift of encouragement.
When someone encourages you, that person helps you over a threshold
you might otherwise never have crossed on your own."

– JOHN O’DONOHUE

All too often in our daily lives, we run on automatic pilot, so focused on our duties and to-do’s that we don’t take the time to uplift the people around us: our spouse, children, parents, neighbors, co-workers, the checkout clerk in the grocery store. Seek out ways to offer the gift of encouragement to people in your life—a smile, a kind word, a thank you, a hug or pat on the back. You never know the effect or extent of that kind of positive energy—to you it may be a small thing, to someone else, it may be a world of difference. ♥

Choosing Patience

2010-04-08T12:05:00.001-04:00

"Patience shows the way into joy." – RUMI

As Moms, we are in the most demanding and challenging role when it comes to patience. Amidst all the noise, interruptions and demands we face on a daily basis, the ability to respond with patience and tolerance is no easy feat … but it is a choice. And having signed up for this role, we have both the responsibility and the power to make that choice, not only for the sake of our children, but also for our own growth and happiness.

Think patience. What you focus on is what you create, so find ways to keep love, tolerance and patience in your thoughts throughout the day—post patience quotes around your home and workspace, create a mantra or find a prayer to recite, make a dedication in the morning to being more patient that day. When you catch yourself “mindlessly” responding to a situation with impatience and annoyance, stop, breathe and change your mind. Choose to let thoughts of frustration go and shift to a wiser and kinder response. ♥

An Irish Blessing

2010-03-17T00:06:00.001-04:00

This is one of my favorite poems from Irish poet and philosopher John O'Donohue... ♥

May the light of your soul guide you.
May the light of your soul bless the work
You do with the secret love and warmth of your heart.
May you see in what you do the beauty of your own soul.
May the sacredness of your work bring healing, light and renewal to those
Who work with you and to those who see and receive your work.
May your work never weary you.
May it release within you wellsprings of refreshment, inspiration and excitement.
May you be present in what you do.
May you never become lost in the bland absences.
May the day never burden you.
May dawn find you awake and alert, approaching your new day with dreams,
Possibilities and promises.
May evening find you gracious and fulfilled.
May you go into the night blessed, sheltered and protected.
May your soul calm, console and renew you.

From Doing to Being...

2010-03-11T16:08:00.000-05:00

Here is a wise piece of advice for setting a simple, positive intention each day...

When you wake up in the morning, don’t ask yourself “What do I need to DO today?” Instead, ask “How do I want to BE today?” At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what you did as much as how much love and care you put into it. ♥

Signs and Symptoms of a Happy Heart

2010-03-04T11:54:00.003-05:00

If you've been doing the Heart Workout over the last month, you've no doubt noticed a BIG change in your day-to-day outlook and disposition. I am amazed at the difference I've noticed in my own life in applying some of the simple ideas. Here is a fun quiz to assess how far you've come...

Do you experience any of the following signs or symptoms:

An unmistakable ability to enjoy the present moment
A loss of interest in gossiping and judging others
A loss of interest in judging yourself
An increased capacity for patience and understanding
A loss of ability to worry (this is a very serious symptom!)
Frequent episodes of gratitude and appreciation
Contented feelings of connectedness with others
Frequent bouts of smiling
An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen (also a serious sign!)
An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as an uncontrollable urge to extend it

Warning: If you have some or all of the above symptoms, please be advised that your heart condition may be so far advanced as to be irreversible. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting any of the these symptoms, be exposed at your own risk. ♥

28-Day Heart Workout: Practice #9 - Love Is All You Need

2010-02-25T16:08:00.003-05:00

I came across this video from Starbuck's Love Project the other day. If this isn't a workout for the heart, I don't know what is! ♥

28-Day Heart Workout: Practice #8 - The Power of Thank You

2010-02-22T17:04:00.006-05:00

"Saying thank you is more than good manners. It is good spirituality." —ALFRED PAINTER

You've no doubt heard about the benefits of an "attitude of gratitude." But did you know that gratitude—the heartfelt expression of thanks—has the ability to change us at a physical level?

It's true.

Recent research in health and molecular science has shown that the expression of appreciation and a state of gratitude have the ability to balance the beat-to-beat variability of the heart and to shift cells from low-level negative states to high-level positive states. In this way, saying "thank you" is akin to love—it has the power to transform our bodies and souls into a healthier, happier way of being. Not bad for two simple little words.

With that in mind, here are two ideas for adding the power of thank you to your life and your home…

Start a gratitude practice. If you don’t already, begin the practice of taking time to reflect on how grateful you are for all that that you have and of being generous with your thank-you’s. Although it may seem cliché, I can tell you from personal experience that this practice will make a huge difference in your outlook and approach to how you live and parent. Sarah Ban Breathnach's bestselling book, "Simple Abundance" is a great place to start if you have doubts on where and how to begin your gratitude practice.
Start a Gratitude Journal with your children. Have your children pick out a special notebook or journal that you can use together to write down the things they are thankful for. This is a great bedtime practice where you can record the favorite part of their day, what they like best about a book, movie, event or person. Don’t worry if they list material or tangible things – this is common for young children. Try offering your ideas to model thanks for intangible things: a beautiful sunset, a family walk, the color of autumn leaves, bedtime snuggles, etc.

If you take the time to focus on and practice heart-felt gratitude on a regular basis, your efforts will pay off for both you and your children in a big way. ♥

28-Day Heart Workout: Practice #7 - Don't Do Something; Just Sit There

2010-02-18T16:34:00.000-05:00

For many Moms, the thought of doing nothing is a foreign concept. Most of us live in a perpetual state of busy-ness. From getting out the door in the morning to errands, work, play dates, appointments, shopping, email, laundry, and soccer practice, we always seem to be on the go.

Unfortunately, when we live in a state of constant busy-ness, we become addicted to “doing.” We focus on to-do’s and getting things done and it becomes challenging to transition to a slower pace. In fact, for many of us, the thought of slowing down or doing nothing creates a feeling of uneasiness—we feel like we need to be doing something; we think doing nothing is unproductive.

The feeling of uneasiness about doing nothing is usually a signal that it’s time to slow down and reconnect to our lives. Because when we’re constantly “doing” and on-the-go, we not only keep our bodies in a constant state of stress, but we also become disconnected—disconnected from ourselves, our children, our families and the little things that really matter to us.

Challenge yourself to take some time to stop “doing” and just be with your children and your family. Don’t do something; just sit there and watch how powerful this method of connection can be. ♥

28-Day Heart Workout: Practice #6 - Get Inspired

2010-02-16T16:08:00.001-05:00

Nothing touches the heart like inspiration—those moments that capture our imagination and fuel our sense of purpose and meaning. Unfortunately, in our hectic lives inspirational moments tend to be few and far between for most of us. The good news is you don't have to look very far to find them...

Pick up any great work of art—literature, paintings, poetry, music—and inspiration abounds. Read the story of someone who has dedicated their life work for the benefit of others, Mother Teresa or John Wood for example, and you can't help but be inspired. Or simply spend some time with your little ones and be inspired by their carefree spirits and their trust in life.

There is no shortage of inspirational supply...if you take the time to stop and look for it.

When we are inspired, we step outside of the rational, logical, judgmental mind we spend so much of our time in and we step into a way of being that is joyful, purposeful, and creative—the natural state we are called to be in. ♥

28-Day Heart Workout: Practice #5 - Girl Time

2010-02-11T10:19:00.000-05:00

Shelley E. Taylor, a renowned UCLA psychologist in the area of stress and health, has done some fascinating research showing that women have a built-in mechanism (a "neurocircuitry") that lowers stress and comforts the people around them.

Studies show that the more time someone spends with a woman, the less lonely he or she is; that women significantly increase the life expectancy of their husbands; and that simply being in a woman's presence lowers blood pressure and stress hormones. In short, time spent with women is good for the heart.

Take time in your life to create ties with other women. Join a Mom's group in your community, spend regular time with a close friend(s), call your Mom or your sister. As women, we provide each other with comfort, laughter, nurturance and joy. So whatever kind of social connection feels right for you, just do it. Your heart will thank you for it. ♥

28-Day Heart Workout: Practice #4 - Cinematherapy

2010-02-08T12:14:00.002-05:00

Ever since I was a little kid I have loved movies -- movies that make me laugh, make me cry; movies that inspire me and change my thinking. Over the years I have found that movies can be good medicine for the heart, mind and soul. In fact, therapists even use movies as part of an overall program to help individuals release emotional stress, gain personal insight and find hope and inspiration in their lives.

Two hours and a bowl of popcorn as medicine? Count me in!

Take some time today or tonight for a little cinematherapy. Choose a movie you love and notice how you feel before and after you watch it. Do you feel calmer? Happier? Inspired? Here are some ideas to get you started:

When you need a good laugh:

The Proposal (2009)
27 Dresses (2008)
Hitch (2005)
Just Friends (2005)
Meet the Parents (2000)

When you need a good cry:

The Notebook (2004)
StepMom (1998)
Steel Magnolias (1989)
I Am Sam (2001)

When you need a little inspiration:

Erin Brockovich (2000)
The Blind Side (2009)
Good Will Hunting (1997)
The Pursuit of Happyness (2006)

♥

28-Day Heart Workout: Practice #3 - Say a Little Prayer

2010-02-05T12:06:00.002-05:00

Life does not always go our way. And whether you're having a bad day, a bad week or just in a general funk, saying a prayer can go a long way in shifting yourself into a calmer, more peaceful state of being.

Now before you have flashbacks from childhood of being forced to recite learned prayers that made absolutely no sense, let me reassure you by saying that prayer does not have to be a formal, biblical event. It really can be anything you want it to be -- if it's meaningful to you and offered in a heartfelt way, it will have an effect.

Research has shown that there is wonderful healing power in prayer. It can cure physical illness and heal emotional dis-ease; it shifts the heart centre back to its natural state of love, joy and compassion; and it can be as valid a healing tool as drugs or surgery.

Today, take some time to identify a meaningful prayer you can begin to use. While you can certainly use a learned prayer from childhood or a passage from scripture, you can also use a poem, song or simple phrase. You can even speak your own words from the heart--whatever feels right for you. If you need a little guidance, you might try "Serenity Prayers" by June Cotner. It is a wonderful collection of poems, prayers and prose for everyday life.

Duke Ellington once commented that "Everyone prays in their own language, and there is no language that God does not understand." Don't overthink the prayer you choose--put your heart into it and you can't go wrong. ♥

28-Day Heart Workout: Practice #2 - Hug Someone

2010-02-04T12:09:00.000-05:00

Numerous studies have shown that hugs are therapeutic--especially when it comes to the heart. Our blood pressure lowers, stress hormones are reduced and feel-good, bonding hormones are released, all of which decrease our risk for heart disease. And even more recently, research is finding that women's hearts in particular tend to benefit the most from the power of a hug.

Unfortunately, in our fast-paced lives we often forget to take the time for a good hug. As we fly out the door in the morning and fly home at the end of the day, we tend to give those quick "Okay, see ya later" hugs and "Hey, how was your day?" hugs. Most of us give and receive too few hugs and it's clear we could benefit a lot more from this simple act.

Take the time today to really hug someone...on your way out the door, at the end of the day, at bedtime and even just out-of-the-blue. Make it sincere and heartfelt and you'll be feeling more love, calm and connectedness in no time. ♥

The 28-Day Heart Workout: Practice #1 - The Unconditional Love Experiment

2010-02-03T08:58:00.002-05:00

This is one of my favourite practices for tuning in to the wisdom of the heart. It's a powerful way to shift back into the heart centre's natural state of love, compassion, nurturance and joy...

For the next several days, or even week, try practicing only unconditional love—no judgment or criticism, no gossip, no worries or guilt or resentment or blame, just unconditional love. Think loving thoughts and act in loving ways. When somebody does something that angers you, acknowledge the anger and then shift your attention to the essence of the person behind the behaviour. Let go of your need to pass judgment or criticism and simply take notice of what’s going on. When you feel guilt, fear or worry creeping into your thoughts, ask yourself how you can shift to more loving thoughts in that moment.

This experiment will not be readily embraced by your conditioning and logical mind, but if you can step beyond the ego and persevere for just a couple of days you will begin to experience a softening and a peace your heart will thank you for. ♥

Heart Wisdom: Simple Ways to a Happy Heart

2010-02-01T01:58:00.001-05:00

February is Heart Month and while there are many campaigns underway to educate us about heart disease and its risks and prevention, there are matters of the heart that are particularly significant to us as Moms and women that often get overlooked.

Beyond its physical functions, the heart is actually part of an energy system that is physical, emotional and spiritual—it is the centre of love, nurturance, compassion and joy. Spiritual and emotional issues that are processed in this centre include: emotional expression, anger and resentment resolution, the full experience of joy, grief, and forgiveness, and the ability to balance the nurturing of others with the nurturing of self. When we consciously or unconsciously prevent these issues from being processed, blockages occur in the heart centre, setting us up for physical dis-ease and illness in this area of the body.

As mothers and women, we tend to have difficulty with these matters of the heart. While we are no doubt the “heart” of our families in terms of health and happiness, juggling the demands of motherhood, extended family and friends, and a career in our fast-paced world can often disconnect us from the natural state of our heart centre. Many of us get stuck in anger, resentment, blame and guilt. Many feel a sadness and longing for something more in their lives. Some women have become so head-focused on ambition and success that they have forgotten what really matters to them, while others are so focused on everyone else’s needs that they have nothing left of themselves to give.

And regardless of what our hearts may be trying to tell us, most of us have learned to reason away these feelings and “whispers of the heart,” judging them as inopportune, foolish or unwarranted. We plough ahead, headstrong through our lives, doing what needs to be done.

The result? According to leading women’s health expert, Christiane Northrup, M.D., “When we don’t feel our emotions fully, don’t deal with them directly and don’t let them flow through us, they have a constricting biochemical effect on the cardiovascular system.” In other words, the more we discount our feelings and our Selves, the more our hearts harden and suffer.

Living with a happy heart involves more than maintaining a healthy diet and a healthy weight. It involves maintaining a healthy emotional and spiritual state of being as well. This kind of prevention involves acknowledging and honoring our feelings, letting go of harmful emotions that no longer serve us, finding frequent moments of joy in our lives, and learning to love and care for ourselves in the same way we do for our family.

Throughout the month of February, I will be offering a variety of simple practices for living with a happy heart. It will be like a 28-day workout for your heart…without having to break a sweat! Stay tuned...your heart will thank you for it. ♥